Independence Day

Independence Day

Independence. A word we all seem to value. A state of liberation, self decision, strength. The USA declares this very word in its triad of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, as one of its foundation stones, cleaving to Independence with veracity. We celebrate our country’s independence with aplomb every July 4, a day reserved for leisure and customary parades, cook-outs, jamborees and the every-lasting firework bouquet.

Today however, I wonder truly about Independence. It plays in my mind, bubbling about like those balls in a child’s push play-toy, the gum ball colors bouncing noisily about.

July 4, 2003:

A torrid July 4. I recall the exhilarating surge of Independence upon stepping out of my frayed marriage, away from 3 years of the choking haze of illness (undiagnosed Lyme disease) and astride the backseat of my dashing suitor’s roaring motorcycle.

After too many years of crimped heartstrings, a lockjaw on communal happiness and a lost career, I felt mighty and free and intrepid zooming along the snaking country roads up to a lakeland sanctuary. Swimming in the cool, clear highland waters, I remember the sensory awareness that spectacular Independence Day placed in my own life, as I was no longer a man’s wife, but had gained my liberty.

By nightfall, bobbing in giddy bliss at a festive party, the sultry night air wrapped my new lover and me in euphoric waves, the boat dock firmly rigid against my backbone with fireworks erupting overhead. Liberated, free, independent, striding forth, the sparkling colors cascaded downwards, orange embers laying softly upon my skin and falling droplet like upon the waters. I felt the brilliant magic of the world, of love, of courage, of a new beginning. That Independence Day set a cornerstone in my core.

The years unfurled, many more Independence Days to honor. Children’s laughter, our dog trembling in horror at the booming cacophony and the ritual joy now as a committed couple and blended family. Independence Days on the green, the band playing in the gazebo, we slurp local ice cream and the Norman Rockwell charm oozes in immense quotients, as my childhood native american print blanket cozies us faithfully, the firework display behind the half-moon antique carriage barn, now a favored treasure. The tapestry of living weaves its marvelous threads. Life is good. There is love.

And, we endured with patience, with tenderness, in passion, and in trials. The Lyme disease relapse took me way down deep, to the ocean floor of life. I could not walk, or think or sometimes ever believe I would live. But, I did and I healed, and he helped me, held me, encouraged me onwards. We weathered the storms and the fireworks soared ever faithful on Independence Days.

We buried his daughter. Our hearts were crushed. I nursed him in love and compassion. Our family was fractured and yet we held on, tightly, with fervor, we would not let the other drown. Our pact was forged to the marrow, “I will be by your side”.

The good times began anew. Creativity. A new business. A new home with new friends and neighbors and good health. A wondrous book was birthed. Travel and a calling to heal the wounded. Life spiraled and soared, arching and vaulting, like the spectacular fireworks of Independence Day. The glowing orange embers of grace fell droplet like around us on the waters of our life.

July 4, 2013:

Today, I am being asked to embrace Independence once again. I have been studying this word and the feelings stirred in me. This time Independence is not as gay and flighty as that sensual one ten years ago, nor as safe and reliable as all the others in between. This one has another tone; that of a solitary being. For I am alone.

He is packing boxes with his belongings on this Independence Day, moving away from me and our home and our union. It is shocking and confusing, yet I must hold my center. For like this proud word suggests – Independence – self-reliance, separation, autonomy, liberty, I must attune to the new chapter dawning.

My friend gave me this animal totem. I resonate with it cleanly— Heron.

Aggressive Self-Determination
Self-Reliance

A Heron totem teaches balance;
the ability to progress and evolve —
to walk into deeper waters without fear.

It is important for someone with a Heron 
totem to learn to stand on their own two feet,
to become independent and self-reliant.

 

So, I make my own Declaration of Independence, one I can hold in my heart and live into, as a single individual, no longer as that mated couple or busy family unit or even as part of another. That is the trickiest mind game right now, is learning how to not be part of an-other. I am so used to caring and sharing and thinking beyond my Self to my-Other. Focusing solely on me is an anomoly. But, I cannot fight the tide. I must swim with it, into deeper waters as Heron suggests. Though he has left now, I must soar.

I declare myself as Independent of all constraints, assumptions, ties and live fully with creativity, passion, self reliance and in balance. 

7 thoughts on “Independence Day

  1. I too am shocked and sorry to hear this. There was the Sun square Uranus that morning and you probably have some personal planets affected by Uranus and Pluto now. I have long wondered about your astrological chart.

    Took some Silica this morning and Rifed number 15 for shock and trauma last night. Too many shocking things going on around me. Blessings on your Heron quest. Here’s to confident on one’s own two feet. And good for you for your honesty.

  2. thank you. It is wrenching. For those who know Out of the Woods, he was my ‘knight in shining armor’.

  3. I am so sorry as well. Loss like this is crushing. I know you will rise to your eagle perspective and this will teach you more about yourself and how you want to be in this world. I wish you comfort, insight and lots of love through this transition.

    1. bless you Carter. Yes, eagle will help me align my perspective and rise up even higher. Right now heron is helping me take the daily steps. Such treasured guides.

  4. My heart is with you ~ I trust your journey, each precious moment of it. May acceptance and ease color your days…..May you allow each moment to be exactly as it is….with gentleness and tenderness.

    And may you feel this Life that you are, ever-connected, no matter how it appears in a given moment. I know with all my heart how deeply embraced and loved you always are. Thank you for the light you share ~ it is truly felt ~

    1. thank you for such precious encouragement and appreciation of my being. It has been shattering to go thru this sudden, unexpected loss – I loved him so.

      And, I am feeling the karma is perhaps over? he and I shared so deeply over life and death stories— and now that I am called to fly so high and reach out so far and wide into the world, well I guess he is not meant to come with me on this kind of journey?
      It is safer maybe? for him to stay in the darker recesses and smaller confines of a simple life and an inner world?

      My spirit is one of true resilience. I am attuned to higher energy and the path of destiny and life purpose. I walked thru the underworld and faced my own spiritual death at the hand of Lyme disease. I faced the demons, I unlocked the secret keys to healing and I have been reborn. Now, as a messenger, healer and inspired being, I move with intention and with guidance to help others and bring a light of hope to those whom suffer.

      This experience makes me that much more aware of another level of suffering we humans know. May my heart heal fully and may we all ring together in harmony and love. Peace, Katina

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